The Tale Of The Toddler Road Rager -- Or, How I Peed Myself From Laughing In A Grocery Stone -- A Tale Of My Existence

Kids today have it so much better!

As I've mentioned before on other blog posts, crowded stores around the holidays are never good for me as an introvert with my social anxieties and autism spectrum issues. The overlapping sounds combined with my inability to filter them out mentally can be very overwhelm me at times. Lots of loud people with even louder children, blaring Christmas music with the occasional announcement cutting in -- usually on the one or two good songs and never the more popular annoying ones that get played seemingly every hour. 

Not trying to sound like a Grinch here, but me and crowded department stories and grocery stories around Christmas never do well together. So whenever I have to go to a store around this time of the year, I go early and usually try and pick a day of the week where I can minimize my chances of being overwhelmed, or suffer a major anxiety attack.

Sometimes though, something happens in a store around this time of year that makes the effort of braving the social hazards worth it. That something usually ends up being the antics of cranky children. 

All of you know the type of rugrats I am talking about. Those cranky, irritating young children who make it a point to test out the acoustics of the store -- as well as the patience of their parents -- with their loud voices and screams.

I remember all too well what it was like as a child in a store with my parents and how boooooring it was. Especially when you had a Southern mom and a grandmother (God rest her soul!) like mine, both of whom would stop and talk to at least three people for the longest time; while all you wanted to do was get back to the car to enjoy the treat, or the toy that was sitting there in the shopping cart mocking you. 

Sometimes, if you were lucky,
it was one of these bad boys!

My generation had at least one possible form of entertainment -- which also involved waiting a looooong time to get to: the lame-ass coin-operated mechanical horse, or vehicle that used to sit in front of every grocery or department store. It was also something your parents used to hold over you to behave yourselves and be still in the store. If you screwed up -- and trust me we kids almost always kinda did after the first 20 minutes of aimlessly walking around, or listening to two hens cackling on about older people you don't know, or care about -- you didn't get no ride. 

That is unless your parents were just so desperate to shut your whining up they gave in, of course.

Today's generation of small children are completely spoiled. Many stores today have at least a couple of these new pimped-out shopping carts for really young children that looked like racing cars, or other vehicles. Some of them even have two (count me!) two steering wheels. 

These days it is a normal sight to see some haggard mother trying to do her shopping while one or two toddlers are sitting in one of these department store rides pretending to drive and going "beep beep!" every five seconds, or so. Every once in awhile I will meet the eyes of such an unfortunate mother and convey my deepest sympathies. 

About this time last year, I was in a grocery store doing my holiday supper shopping one Sunday afternoon when I encountered such a mother and child combo. 

Both the mother and child -- a girl about 2 or 3 years old -- was sitting in one of these specialty grocery store buggies "beeping" her horn and making motor noises. Both were dressed in their Sunday best, having apparently gotten out of church services half an hour before.

I only noticed them out of the corner of my eye at first because I was trying to pick out a good-looking pair of turnip greens and bag them. A moment later I heard the unmistakable sound to two shopping carts crashing into each other, and turned. 

A rather shocked-looking young woman concentrating more on her cellphone and less on where she was pushing her shopping cart hit the woman and child in the right side of the cart.  

That's why you stay off your cellphones while you drive, folks!

The young lady asked them if they were okay, and quickly gasped out, "OMG! I am so sorry!"

Before the mother could speak, the little girl in the cart glares up at the woman -- and I swear I am not making this up! -- shouts out: "Hey bitch, you keep your eyes on the g**-d***ed road!" Then she flipped the other lady the bird. 

Between the mother's horrified look and the other woman's look of shock and bewilderment -- not to mention to way-too serious look on the face of the little girl, who'd no doubt heard her Sunday best church-going mother road rage one too many times -- I completely lost my shit right there and just doubled over laughing. 

Normally hearing anyone taking the Lord's name in vain wouldn't get a laugh out of me, far from it. It wasn't so much that as it had been the angry look on the girl's face, and the horrified reactions of the adults, and the little flip-off that opened the floodgates. 

I just couldn't help myself. I laughed so hard I couldn't catch my breath. My stomach was aching as the mother apologized in horror to the young woman, who was now also kinda-laughing too. The mother also glared at me, but the dam had already burst and I couldn't stop the tears going down my face as I laughed.

Speaking of dams bursting, that was when it happened. I felt a few drops of pee going down my right leg. The full bladder I had couldn't take the gut-shaking laughter, and failed me right there in public.

Thankfully the public restrooms were very close and I managed to make my way to the men's room before anyone noticed. It turns out that only a little came out and the wet stain on the front of my jeans was about the size of a quarter, though the front of my underwear was sloshed. 

I went into one of the stalls and, after completely emptying my bladder, dried myself with a handful of toilet paper. My underwear was a loss, so I ditched it in the garbage and had to go regimental until I got home. Thankfully the air dryers by the sinks actually worked fairly well and I was able to use the warm air to dry the dark spot on my jeans. 

The church mother and her daughter were still there when I made my public reappearance. The former was talking to the young woman apologizing and laughing with her, while the daughter now looked bored and just wanted her mom to shut up so she could get back to her car driving fantasy. 

I was thankful that there was no visible trail of piss on the floor (actually I doubt any of it made it past my knee) and nobody seems to have noticed that I had my own accident. I retrieved my shopping cart and made my exit stage left. 

That my friends is the story of how a shopping cart road rager made me pee myself in a grocery store. Just one of many holiday tales of my existence. I hope y'all enjoyed it and let me know if any of y'all have ever had a similar experience in a store. 

Have a wonderful Dixie Day, and Y'all come back now, ya hear?