My Best (And Worst) Valentine's Day Stories Ever
A Tale Of My Existence
By C.W. Roden
WARNING!
The next story contains sexual references and may not be suitable for the young and immature. You've been warned!
A then 22 years old yours truly was at a birthday party for a friend of a friend -- yes, that person's birthday was on Valentine's Day.
While attending, I ended up having this strong connection with a young woman about a year older than me with dark hair and dark blue eyes wearing one of those strapless tube dresses. We clicked almost immediately and, by this point in my life I'd been around the block enough times to know when a girl is interested.
We snuck off to a dark bedroom and undressed a little. After a few minutes of making out it was then that I realized that I didn't have my supplies on hand. Thankfully, my intended partner was more than prepared. She had condoms, K-Y, and some folded plastic wrap. The latter confused me a moment, then I had the weird thought she was one of those girls who likes to be smothered during sex -- not one of my favorites (in fact I've turned down sex because of the risks involved with doing asphyxiation). She then explained to me about how to use thin plastic wrap for safe oral sex -- DUH! Yeah, I felt stupid too.
Truthfully, I am not really into oral play much. Safe oral sex is pretty much non-existent for the most part. Sure condoms and dental dams can help, though I kinda have a gag-reflex and a really weak stomach, so the idea of actually having my face close to those parts of the anatomy kinda make me queasy.
Still, even though I was new at it, I put the K-Y on the plastic as she pulled up her dress and took her underwear down. I knelt on the floor in front of the bed and then nervously started.
Now here is where things take a turn for the worst -- in more ways than one!
Because I was on my knees on the floor in front of the bed and her legs were wrapped around my head tightly, I could not hear or see anything beyond what was in front of me in the darkened room. I really couldn't hear very well because of the thick legs pressed against them, so I had no idea that she was being a little extra loud.
All of a sudden, the world became very bright and my knees left the floor, followed by a popping sound and pain in my neck before I found myself slammed down on a thankfully thick carpet, though the impact still hurt my elbow and back. My neck was completely sore though and I was afraid it was broken as my body had gone numb!
The feeling in my body thankfully came back a few minutes later, but not before about a dozen people -- including my intended romantic partner -- were frantically standing over me worried, and slightly amused.
What happened was that another couple burst into the room ready to use the bed for the same reasons, and cut on the lights abruptly. My partner had been too into what I was doing downstairs to notice when the door opened, but when the lights came on and two people stared at her with her dress undone and down at the top and bottom, in an effort to protect her modesty (too late!) she flipped on her side to face away.
Since I was unable to hear anything, I had no advanced warning when she flipped and was completely gator-rolled onto my back. The popping sound was the pressure on my neck and the loss of sensation was from several nerves being jolted by the vice-like twist of my neck -- which I was told later was the equivalent of getting whiplash. As it was the jostled nerves in my next and shoulders would go on to give me pain for about two weeks, or so.
Even worse, there was a bite reflex and the girl herself didn't come away completely unscathed -- thankfully no blood, just a scratch though the plastic wrap on the inside of one of her thighs, but yeah, not too good.
I don't really remember her name, and that is probably for the best since I never saw her again after that night. I remember her frantically saying sorry to me about a dozen times, and my own apology for the uh, unintentional hickey. Needless to say we never finished what we were doing.
That my friends was the story of my worst Valentine's Day experience ever and why I don't think much of this particular holiday.
Well my friends and fellow travelers, that about sums up my best and worst experiences on Valentine's Day. I hope y'all enjoyed these Tales Of My Existence.
Since telling stories of my youth and adolescence are going to be a regular part of this blog, I would like to get you, the reader, involved in helping me out with the future content.
In the comments section of this blog post, tell me what story you would like to hear about this blogger's youth: What was my worst job experience? Best place I ever visited so far? Worst prank ever played on me? Have I ever done so-and-so? How does being an Aspie affect my daily routine? What was the scariest thing to happen to me as a kid? Just a few examples. The ones I like best I will tell in future blog posts and credit will go to the reader who sent the request.
Once again thank y'all for taking the time to stop off and read my humble blog offerings. Have a wonderful Dixie day, and a happy holiday -- and y'all can bleeping keep it!
Halloween is only 8 months away, thank Samhain!
Ah Valentine's Day, perhaps one of my least favorite holidays.
Romance? Phooey! Give me Halloween and lots of candy and scary movies any day!
I've never
had too many good memories associated with this holiday, as most of
them involve me spending it alone with my television, a game system, and
lately my computer.
That is not to say I don't have some romantic stories related to Valentine's Day. In fact, I have two of them that stand out for widely different reasons.
One of them is the very cute story of my very first kiss, which took place on Valentine's Day in 1983 when I was seven. The other is the terrible story of Valentine's Day, 1999, at age twenty-two when I nearly suffered a broken neck giving oral sex. Yeah, sadly you did not misread that last line, and that story is as bad as it sounds.
Submitted for your reading enjoyment, here are the very true stories of your favorite blogger's best (and worst) Valentine's Day stories to date.
 |
| My second grade class photo, taken a month before Valentine's Day 1983. Yours truly is standing in the back glancing down at a certain someone I'm going to talk about shortly. |
The Best -- Valentine's Day 1983
That year my second grade class was doing Valentine's Day cards that day. It was mandatory for everyone to do, so I got my parents to go to the store and get a box of cheap Valentine cards, along with a few boxes of those heart-shaped Valentine candies that seem to be traditional.
I wrote out Valentine's Day cards for every girl in the class, and put them in the box at the front of the class. Since my first five grades were at a private Christian school, the class was small. In fact there were only thirteen kids in my grade, and half of them were girls.
The last two school periods were Valentine's Day activities. Well, the first part was, while the second would be playground for last period. I remember that it was a Monday, and that the weather was cold, but not too bad and sunny.
The Valentine's party was just soda, holiday candy and, of course, the Valentine cards. I got one from each girl in the class. Nothing extraordinary, just the usual generic greeting: To Beau (my childhood nickname), From Yadda-yadda.
I passed out candy hearts to everyone, giving everyone about two. When I handed them out to the girls in my class, one of them, my favorite female friend at the time, Sandy, laughed and joked about the candy hearts from Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown -- a favorite for most of us at that age. She gave me a grin and said that she got one that read Sweet Baby. She ate it before anyone could confirm this. She was a bit of a story teller, and I'm not sure candy hearts actually had that on them. I mean I never got one that said Forget It Kid personally.
Later when we got on the playground, I found myself alone next to the side of the building just in the line of sight of the teachers monitoring us. I usually liked to be by myself because I was more comfortable away from the usual noise, to be alone with my thoughts. Later I would learn that this was a result of the autism spectrum, but at the time I just thought of myself as shy, and many of my classmates thought of me as a weirdo (though more in a young Gonzo from Muppet Babies type of way rather than a really negative one).
As I was using a pencil to write down something on one of the Valentine cards I got, Sandy surprised me a little, having appeared behind the corner of the building out of sight of the teachers. She told me to follow her around the corner. I did so.
Sandy looked up at me, brown hair and round smiling face and handed me a candy heart. "Here you go," she said, then added, "Read it." I looked at it and it read: Kiss Me. I told her what it said, and she quickly stood on her toes, grabbed both of my shoulders, and brushed her lips across mine for what was probably about a second, or two. Then she pushed me down and ran off.
It wasn't much of a kiss. I mean Anna Chlumsky and Macaulay Culkin's kissing scene in the movie My Girl was probably more involved. I remember being surprised and a bit disgusted by it at the time. My reaction was a bit more like T.J. and Spinelli's in the Disney's Recess season one episode "The Experiment" -- namely to wipe my mouth with my sleeve before chasing after Sandy toward the nearby swings. For her part she acted like it wasn't a big deal. I kinda forgot about it right afterwards too in the short term. At that age romance isn't really a big deal, you know? In truth I was more in love with dinosaurs at the time.
All the same the moment did mark my very first kiss with a female someone who wasn't my mom or grandma -- even if it was a surprise kiss I wasn't prepared for.
Sadly, by the time school started back after summer vacation later that year, Sandy would be gone having moved away with her family. No goodbye when the school year ended. Likely she wasn't told herself because when she said goodbye last day of second grade, she acted like she would see everyone again after summer.
As pathetic as it sounds, that somewhat innocent experience would be my best memory of Valentine's Day.
The last two school periods were Valentine's Day activities. Well, the first part was, while the second would be playground for last period. I remember that it was a Monday, and that the weather was cold, but not too bad and sunny.
The Valentine's party was just soda, holiday candy and, of course, the Valentine cards. I got one from each girl in the class. Nothing extraordinary, just the usual generic greeting: To Beau (my childhood nickname), From Yadda-yadda.
I passed out candy hearts to everyone, giving everyone about two. When I handed them out to the girls in my class, one of them, my favorite female friend at the time, Sandy, laughed and joked about the candy hearts from Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown -- a favorite for most of us at that age. She gave me a grin and said that she got one that read Sweet Baby. She ate it before anyone could confirm this. She was a bit of a story teller, and I'm not sure candy hearts actually had that on them. I mean I never got one that said Forget It Kid personally.
Later when we got on the playground, I found myself alone next to the side of the building just in the line of sight of the teachers monitoring us. I usually liked to be by myself because I was more comfortable away from the usual noise, to be alone with my thoughts. Later I would learn that this was a result of the autism spectrum, but at the time I just thought of myself as shy, and many of my classmates thought of me as a weirdo (though more in a young Gonzo from Muppet Babies type of way rather than a really negative one).
As I was using a pencil to write down something on one of the Valentine cards I got, Sandy surprised me a little, having appeared behind the corner of the building out of sight of the teachers. She told me to follow her around the corner. I did so.
Sandy looked up at me, brown hair and round smiling face and handed me a candy heart. "Here you go," she said, then added, "Read it." I looked at it and it read: Kiss Me. I told her what it said, and she quickly stood on her toes, grabbed both of my shoulders, and brushed her lips across mine for what was probably about a second, or two. Then she pushed me down and ran off.
It wasn't much of a kiss. I mean Anna Chlumsky and Macaulay Culkin's kissing scene in the movie My Girl was probably more involved. I remember being surprised and a bit disgusted by it at the time. My reaction was a bit more like T.J. and Spinelli's in the Disney's Recess season one episode "The Experiment" -- namely to wipe my mouth with my sleeve before chasing after Sandy toward the nearby swings. For her part she acted like it wasn't a big deal. I kinda forgot about it right afterwards too in the short term. At that age romance isn't really a big deal, you know? In truth I was more in love with dinosaurs at the time.
All the same the moment did mark my very first kiss with a female someone who wasn't my mom or grandma -- even if it was a surprise kiss I wasn't prepared for.
Sadly, by the time school started back after summer vacation later that year, Sandy would be gone having moved away with her family. No goodbye when the school year ended. Likely she wasn't told herself because when she said goodbye last day of second grade, she acted like she would see everyone again after summer.
As pathetic as it sounds, that somewhat innocent experience would be my best memory of Valentine's Day.
 |
| Yeah, that pretty much sums up the next story. |
The Worst -- Valentine's Day 1999
WARNING!
The next story contains sexual references and may not be suitable for the young and immature. You've been warned!
A then 22 years old yours truly was at a birthday party for a friend of a friend -- yes, that person's birthday was on Valentine's Day.
While attending, I ended up having this strong connection with a young woman about a year older than me with dark hair and dark blue eyes wearing one of those strapless tube dresses. We clicked almost immediately and, by this point in my life I'd been around the block enough times to know when a girl is interested.
We snuck off to a dark bedroom and undressed a little. After a few minutes of making out it was then that I realized that I didn't have my supplies on hand. Thankfully, my intended partner was more than prepared. She had condoms, K-Y, and some folded plastic wrap. The latter confused me a moment, then I had the weird thought she was one of those girls who likes to be smothered during sex -- not one of my favorites (in fact I've turned down sex because of the risks involved with doing asphyxiation). She then explained to me about how to use thin plastic wrap for safe oral sex -- DUH! Yeah, I felt stupid too.
Truthfully, I am not really into oral play much. Safe oral sex is pretty much non-existent for the most part. Sure condoms and dental dams can help, though I kinda have a gag-reflex and a really weak stomach, so the idea of actually having my face close to those parts of the anatomy kinda make me queasy.
Still, even though I was new at it, I put the K-Y on the plastic as she pulled up her dress and took her underwear down. I knelt on the floor in front of the bed and then nervously started.
Now here is where things take a turn for the worst -- in more ways than one!
Because I was on my knees on the floor in front of the bed and her legs were wrapped around my head tightly, I could not hear or see anything beyond what was in front of me in the darkened room. I really couldn't hear very well because of the thick legs pressed against them, so I had no idea that she was being a little extra loud.
All of a sudden, the world became very bright and my knees left the floor, followed by a popping sound and pain in my neck before I found myself slammed down on a thankfully thick carpet, though the impact still hurt my elbow and back. My neck was completely sore though and I was afraid it was broken as my body had gone numb!
The feeling in my body thankfully came back a few minutes later, but not before about a dozen people -- including my intended romantic partner -- were frantically standing over me worried, and slightly amused.
What happened was that another couple burst into the room ready to use the bed for the same reasons, and cut on the lights abruptly. My partner had been too into what I was doing downstairs to notice when the door opened, but when the lights came on and two people stared at her with her dress undone and down at the top and bottom, in an effort to protect her modesty (too late!) she flipped on her side to face away.
Since I was unable to hear anything, I had no advanced warning when she flipped and was completely gator-rolled onto my back. The popping sound was the pressure on my neck and the loss of sensation was from several nerves being jolted by the vice-like twist of my neck -- which I was told later was the equivalent of getting whiplash. As it was the jostled nerves in my next and shoulders would go on to give me pain for about two weeks, or so.
Even worse, there was a bite reflex and the girl herself didn't come away completely unscathed -- thankfully no blood, just a scratch though the plastic wrap on the inside of one of her thighs, but yeah, not too good.
I don't really remember her name, and that is probably for the best since I never saw her again after that night. I remember her frantically saying sorry to me about a dozen times, and my own apology for the uh, unintentional hickey. Needless to say we never finished what we were doing.
That my friends was the story of my worst Valentine's Day experience ever and why I don't think much of this particular holiday.
Summary and Reader's Participation
Well my friends and fellow travelers, that about sums up my best and worst experiences on Valentine's Day. I hope y'all enjoyed these Tales Of My Existence.
Since telling stories of my youth and adolescence are going to be a regular part of this blog, I would like to get you, the reader, involved in helping me out with the future content.
In the comments section of this blog post, tell me what story you would like to hear about this blogger's youth: What was my worst job experience? Best place I ever visited so far? Worst prank ever played on me? Have I ever done so-and-so? How does being an Aspie affect my daily routine? What was the scariest thing to happen to me as a kid? Just a few examples. The ones I like best I will tell in future blog posts and credit will go to the reader who sent the request.
Once again thank y'all for taking the time to stop off and read my humble blog offerings. Have a wonderful Dixie day, and a happy holiday -- and y'all can bleeping keep it!
Halloween is only 8 months away, thank Samhain!
No comments:
Post a Comment